DramaLaugh® - Laughter from the Pew

Most of these are from the 'Net, I can't claim credit...

Subject:Wisdom

 Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical
 religious leaders had also learned software programming.
 One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
 After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained
 for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.
 The judge described the software application required for the final
 test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
 The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards.
 Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens
 at incredible speeds.  Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics
 began forming on their monitors.
 The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
 Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.  After
 a moment it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce that
 the last competition was over.
 The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.
 Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage.  The
 judge turned to the other competitor.
 Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on
 his screen.  After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed
 and declared Jesus the victor.
 When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique
 characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
 Jesus saves.

The Story of Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed.
He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here. 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

EuroEnglish Here it is - the latest news from Europe

The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels-based hack. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

from Kingdom Writers email list

VIRUSES - ATTENTION

The following is a list of new computer viruses that are lurking. BE ALERT!!

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--- once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCS infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

Another - The End All Virus

If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the Subject line, do not open it. Do not even think about opening it. If you do:

End-All will immediately re-write your hard drive and permanently scramble all stored data. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

It will also recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the contrast and colors on your television, change the clock on your VCR and microwave, and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will add your name and phone number to every telemarketers list.

It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.

Your PC monitor will be turned into a "green screen".

It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

It will kick your dog.

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

End-All will give you Dutch Elm disease and athletes foot.

It will leave the toilet seat up.

And it will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new lawnmower.

It may also leave "ring around the collar" on your favorite shirts, rent adult videos on your card, and then publish the list on the Internet for all to see how kinky you really are.

Crash an asteroid onto your home town.

Make prank phone calls giving your real name.

Order items from the Home Shopping Network using your credit card number.

Phone your mother-in-law and tell her what you really think of her. And invite her over to stay a while.

So if you receive a message marked "End-All Virus," delete it immediately or life as we now know it will surely come to an end.

Favourite verse in the Bible for beauty of punctuation

"And Joses, who by the apostles was surnamed Barnabas, (which is, being interpreted, The son of consolation,) a Levite, and of the country of Cyprus, having land, sold it, and brought the money, and laid it at the apostles' feet." (Acts, 4:36,37)

Dear Lord:

So far today, God, I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,

haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,

selfish, or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, God,

I'm going to get out of bed.

And from then on,

I'm probably going to need

a lot more help.

Amen.

Associated Hymns

The chiropractor's hymn - STAND UP, STAND UP.

The electricians hymn - SEND THE LIGHT.

The poor person's hymn - I CARE NOT FOR RICHES.

The rainmaker's hymn - SHOWERS OF BLESSING

The surgical patient's hymn - I LONG TO BE PERFECTLY WHOLE.

The day you find out you're pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.

The day you find out you're NOT pregnant hymn - O HAPPY DAY.

The Mountain Home Builder's Association hymn - MY HOUSE IS BUILT UPON A ROCK

My kid's getting even with me hymn - O THEY TELL ME OF A HOME.

The ranger station hymn - ON A HILL FAR AWAY.

The physical therapist hymn - ONE STEP AT A TIME.

The divorced person's hymn - OUT OF MY BONDAGE.

The WIDE LOAD hymn - PASS ME NOT.

The rescuer's hymn - SEEKING THE LOST.

The fisherman's hymn - SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER.

The last payment hymn - SINCE I CAN READ MY TITLE CLEAR.

The seamstress hymn - SOWING IN THE MORNING.

The dater's hymn - THE NIGHT IS FAST PASSING.

The thirsty person's hymn - THERE IS A FOUNTAIN.

The slingshot hymn - THERE IS A ROCK.

The telephone repairman's hymn - THERE'S A CALL COMES RINGING.

The dieter's hymn - THOU, MY EVER LASTING PORTION.

The chain gang hymn - GO LABOR ON.

The hiker's hymn - WALKING IN THE SUNLIGHT.

The car accident hymn - WE SAW THEE NOT.

The lawyer's hymn - WHEN ALL MY LABORS AND TRIALS ARE OVER.

The street crossing guard hymn - WHY DO YOU WAIT?

The prisoner's hymn - WOULD YOU BE FREE?

The home builder's hymn - A MIGHTY FORTRESS

The parade master's hymn - FLING OUT THE BANNER.

The weatherman's hymn - FROM EVERY STORMY WIND THAT BLOWS

The Darning Association's hymn - HOLY, HOLY, HOLY.

The Girdle Association's hymn - HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION.

The caterer's hymn - ALL THINGS ARE READY, COME TO THE FEAST.

The salesman's hymn - ALMOST PERSUADED.

The insurance man's hymn - BLESSED ASSURANCE.

The cowboy's hymn - DAY IS DYING IN THE WEST.

The accountant's hymn - EARTH HOLDS NO TREASURES.

The traveler's hymn - FAR AND NEAR.

The scuba diver's hymn - FAR AWAY IN THE DEPTHS.

The whisperer's hymn - HARK! THE GENTLE VOICE.

The whining spouse hymn - HAVE THINE OWN WAY.

The wagon master's hymn - HE LEADETH ME.

The hearing aid salesman's hymn - HEAR THE SWEET VOICE.

The lost traveler's hymn - HERE WE ARE BUT STRAYING PILGRIMS.

The oxen hymn - HIS YOKE IS EASY.

The new kid in the class hymn - I AM A STRANGER HERE.

The rookie hang glider's hymn - I AM DWELLING ON THE MOUNTAIN.

The Vegetable Grower's Association hymn - I COME TO THE GARDEN ALONE.

The explorer's hymn - I HAVE HEARD OF A LAND.

The watch repairman's hymn - I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR.

The Job Service hymn - I WANT TO BE A WORKER.

The ironing lady's hymn - I'M PRESSING ON.

The distiller's hymn - I REACHED THE LAND OF CORN AND WINE.

The lost dog hymn - I'VE WANDERED FAR.

The half time Alaska hymn - IN THE LAND OF FADELESS DAY.

The birthday hymn - IS IT FOR ME?

The night watchman's hymn - IT MAY BE AT MORN.

The nervous groom's hymn - JUST A FEW MORE DAYS.

The perfect person's hymn - JUST AS I AM.

The drunkard's hymn - LEAD ME GENTLY HOME.

The psychiatrist hymn - LET US WITH A GLADSOME MIND.

The pie maker's hymn - PEACE, PERFECT PEACE.

The Gold Collector's Association hymn - PURER YET AND PURER.

The Rock Collector's Association hymn - ROCK OF AGES.

The dynamite specialist hymn - SAFELY THROUGH ANOTHER WEEK.

The race car hymn - SPEED AWAY.

The payment book hymn - WE GIVE THEE BUT THINE OWN.

The escaped convict's hymn - FLEE AS A BIRD.

The coal miner's hymn - SOMEWHERE THE SUN IS SHINING.

"Once Upon A Pew"

Ken Alley, P.K.

Good Idea Publications

GRAMMER MADE EASY IN TWENTY-THREE STEPS

HOW TO RITE RITE

Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
About sentence fragments.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Don't use no double negatives.
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
Avoid cliches like the plague.

A preacher moved into a new parish. He was a Rotarian so he attended the local club. The president welcomed him and observed that in this agricultural county seat in Kansas the pastor's predecessor had been a member of the club. The president hoped the new pastor would become a member. He pointed out that the predecessor had won the county hog-calling contest for five years and he hoped the new preacher could continue bringing such an honor to the club.

The preacher responded with words of appreciation for the welcome. Then he said, "Now, about this hog-calling bit, let me say the bishop appointed me to come here and be a shepherd to the sheep. But you know your people better than I do."

From "Why Didn't Noah Swat Both Mosquitoes?" by Hoover Rupert

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

A pastor said from the pulpit, "You know, I don't mind if you folks look at your watches during the sermon, but when you take them off, hold them up to your ears and shake them, I find it quite distracting!"
In fact, even that I can deal with, it's when you take them off and start beating them on the back of the pew that I really get concerned!

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read the paper. She was running her fingers over the many wrinkles on his face, then touching her own smooth skin. She made this comparison several times, then said, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "yes, Darling, God made me a long time ago." "Well then," she continued, "Did God make me?" "Well, of course, dear, God made all of us." "Grandpa, don't you think God's doing a better job now than he used to?"

A little boy was taking a quiz on the New Testament in his Sunday morning Bible class. When he came to the question, "What did Jesus say about people getting married?" he answered, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"

A Pastor was out playing in the backyard with his children when their kitten became stuck in a tree. The Pastor pulled down on the branches of the tree and told his son to grab the kitten when it came within reach. Just as the boy was reaching out for the cat the branches slipped from his father's grasp and the kitty was launched out ot thier sight. He consoled his children as best he could.
A few days later the pastor was visiting in the home of a family new to the church. He noticed a strangely familiar kitten sleeping on one of their dining room chairs. Not wanting to sound accusatory he said, "Oh, I see you have a cat." The lady of the house replied, "My son was driving me crazy begging for a pet. A few days ago we were out in the garden and he started again. I said, 'Let's kneel right now and ask Jesus if he wants you to have a pet, and we'll leave it up to him.' So, we began to pray, and Pastor, you'll never guess what happened next!"

Do you know the code for recognising churches by the letters on their notice board, computer, or printed material? Here is the code.
IBM Immersion Baptism Mode
ICL Incense, Candles, Latin
DELL Don't Ever Laugh Loudly
LOTUS Lots Of Transformed Unlovely Sinners
SCO Some Charismatic Opportunities
DEC Drama? Every Chance
CRAY Choruses Rendered All Year
AST All Saints Together
HP Heavenly Paradise

A common fund raising technique is to persuade wealthy givers to make substantial leadership gifts. These gifts are used to encourage other givers.
The church leaders decided to pursue this technique and identified several potential leadership givers. A delegation met with one of these people and said "We have done research and believe that you have the ability to make a substantial gift to the church."
"So you've done some research," he said. "Well, has your research told you that I have an aged mother confined to a nursing home?"
"Uh, no" said the delegation, somewhat sheepishly.
"And has your research told you that I have an alcoholic brother who spends all of his paycheck on liquor and leaves nothing for his wife and children?"
"No" said the delegation quietly.
"And has your research told you that I have a son who was injured in an accident and is unable to work and support himself?"
"No" said the delegation, now thoroughly humiliated.
"Then what makes you think I would give money to you when I don't give anything to any of them?"

A cannibal ate a priest and got very sick. Upon visiting the witch doctor and telling of his symptoms, the witch doctor asked how he cooked the priest. The cannibal replied that he had broiled it.
Hearing this the witch doctor exclaimed, "Well no wonder you're sick! He was a Friar!"

Q> Why did Abraham sacrifice Isaac when he was 12 years old?
A> Because if he had waited until he was 13, (a teenager), it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

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Document prepared by DramaShare®, © copyrighted 1997. Reproduction and / or distribution for non-commercial purposes is permitted with prior approval from DramaShare. Send additions, corrections, suggestions to

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